Mindfuck

I couldn’t let that happen. I needed to run away to safe us both. Even my fiance was obviously turning to our friend’s side, I didn’t see him as my enemy, I just felt him as an unfortunate victim of our vicious friend. I knew I needed to sneak out. So I just suddenly ran to the door again and forward to the hallway. But he was there so fast, taking me back into the apartment, locking the door, making sure I couldn’t get out again. Now I got the final approvement of him being completely gone, obeying the other side. Cause he would never, as himself, stop me so determinedly from going out if I wanted. Now it was a serious challenge to get out!!

He tried to calm me down, he tried to make me believe we were safe and we could leave a bit later. I wanted to test many ways to prove him right or wrong about the safety of the apartment, cause maybe I was just misunderstood un the end? I was ready to give it a chance. He said we could write a list about the things which would make me feel safe and convinced, so we could then take care of them. First I felt very good about it and I excitedly started to make the list. But soon I realised it was just a part of the trap to make me feel comfortable so I wouldn’t feel the need to escape.

I for example felt a huge need to contact someone outside of the apartment. So I could be sure we haven’t lost connection to the surrounding world. I wanted to know that the real world still exists. He let me to call her sister, but soon I sadly realised this was all just to fool me to feel safe. She would not pick up or something would be wrong with the phone or reception. Cause, of course, I wasn’t allowed to keep contact with outside world… Or find out there wasn’t any, anymore. All what looked real was just framed for us. The real world didn’t exist anymore? At least we were not allowed to connect with it anymore?

She didn’t pick up.

I started to be so devastated. So hopeless. I kept on trying to find out approvements of all madness just being in my own head, and that I could just relax and wait, and trust that the morning would come, bringing all back to normal again.

But unfortunately I didn’t find enough approvement for that.

I went to the window, I tried to see other people outside but I didn’t see any. Just empty, closed backyards of the tall concrete buildings we were in. This is a trap! All what I see is part of the framed trap! We are isolated from the surrounded world! Nothing I see is real! I even questioned the sky. I looked at it in the window, I tried to see approvement that it was the real sky. But it wasn’t the real one. I was now sure that it was a huge tent and we were all inside of it to be sure we couldn’t breath fresh air, and that we would just think we are safe.

I repeatedly went to look at the sky, to see where does it end, really? Were we in a tent or not? Yes we were! I felt so sad.

Then I heard cars passing the buildings somewhere further away. A good sign! Maybe this is not a trap after all! A sign of the surrounding world! A sign of the other human beings! A sign of that we can go there and join other people a bit later as he said! I was so relieved hearing the cars. So many times it calmed me down when I heard the same sound….the same…sound…the exactly the same sound!! Suddenly I realised that the sound was always completely the same. It convinced me that the sound was actually recorded to make me believe there were cars outside, and other people there. But I caught them from that trick! You don’t full me!

I couldn’t stay in! I needed to get out, and keep myself getting sober!

I was very thirsty but I didn’t even trust the tap to drink water. Making me thirsty and keeping water available was just one more sneaky way to try to make me take more toxins.  I realised this just in time when I was getting the water onto my dry tongue. So I spitted it out. I needed to just tolerate the thirst. The only safe way.

In some point I had already lost my hope of escaping the apartment to find help. I knew it wasn’t possible. The trap was too well planned. Devastating fact to accept. We would stay in the apartment the rest of our life. We would be used for the trap’s purposes, being toxicated, staying in this deep horror Dream until our physical bodies would finally collapse. That’s it.

Suddenly I got an idea that I should jump out the window. Not to escape to find help, no, that I didn’t believe in anymore. But by jumping I believed I would end our embarrassing destiny quicklier. And I had a full understanding that I would not just end mine but also my fiance’s Dream, his suffering. It was like by me jumping both of us would die. But I knew only I could do it, only my jumping would do the work. So I was willing to save us to death from this trap as we couldn’t be saved back to our own life anymore, anyway.

I attempted to jump out the window several times, persistently. Many times the most part of me was hanging out already, I only saw asphalt down below me when I looked down, I still remember that view, I was just about to start falling. And then my fiance ripped me back in!!!! Just in the last possible millisecond! ..But just that I could run to another window to jump. But he always caught me in time. I still find it unbelievable how he always were there in time. That and only that is the reason I am still alive! Cause I WAS 100% SURE ABOUT TO JUMP! With no fear, no hesitations. Even I am scared of heights in the real life. I had a mission and I fearlessly was accomplishing it! And I have no recall of this but he told me afterwards that I had sneaky way made him believe I was resting but just when he didn’t look at me for a second I had ran to the window again ready to jump.

He and our friend tried to calm me down and make me rest, feel myself comfortable and safe. And in some point I had the moment when I was ready to give it a try. I had rebuilt some trust with our friend and also my fiance was convincing me by being so honest looking in his attempts to help me. So I just laid down and decided to believe in them and wait until we wake up.
That actually felt a nice idea for a moment cause I was so tired and exhausted.

I laid in bed. But soon I started to hear a voice. It was like my fiance’s voice telling that I shouldn’t rest, that I should take care of him now, and that it would be very rude and selfish to just lay down, be quiet and rest, because he had helped me and now was my time to help him, talk to him, make him feel comfortable. I was so tired but I forced myself to talk to that voice, do what he said, to not being selfish person by thinking of my own tiredness only. Sometimes even if I tried I just couldn’t talk cause I was to exhausted, so lack of energy. Then the voice said that maybe it’s then best that I just jump out the window, if I’m so useless, rude and selfish.
Ok, now I realised that this was still all part of the trap, I was far from waking up, far from being safe, this was far from being over. And also I knew now that it was all inside of my head. For real I wasn’t talking to anyone, not to my friend, not to my fiance. I was alone in my horror Dream. I could not run away from myself. To be able to rest was just a beautiful illusion. I could not rest this madness away. It was to stay, and to get worse.

I understood now that no matter what I would try to do, this madness, this nagging voice would bully me finding always a new way to make me feel uncomfortable, so I would end up jumping.

Now I also bitterly understood that us being poisoned prisoners in the apartment wasn’t the only concern. This nagging voice wasn’t the only concern. Trying to tolerate this discomfort for some while wasn’t the way out.

They were no way out.

I realised that sinking too deep into the Dream and getting all the toxins to maintain the deep Dream had fucked up our brains, permanently, there was no turning back, there was no chance to cure our minds, not even if someone would have now come and take us to the hospital. It was too late already.

The damage was permanent. Unreversable. Inevitable. We could not live a normal life anymore. Ever again. We were seriously braindamaged. We could never be like we used to be. That, what me and my fiance were until tonight, two ambitious persons full of love, with all the plans for the future, was now forever gone.
To describe that feeling when I realised all that is over my ability. The feeling was totally devastating, it was a feeling of a biggest possible loss. Losing of all what matters. All what is important. I realised we fucked up and failed. This was our end. We could never really meet again in the mundane life, as we used to be. Our bodies, and our minds were too damaged for it. To outside world we would look like vegetables, mentally disabled. I only had this part of my mind which still were fully aware of what was going on.

I wished all in me could die already. So I couldn’t feel the emotional pain, the loss. It was the most horrible thing to feel being trapped into a damage body unable to communicate with anyone. But to be totally aware of everything. No change to change it.

But feeling all the pain to the fullest was the whole idea of the trap, I knew it now.
I just wished he wasn’t in the same kind of limbo as I was. What if he was also feeling the pain of losing me and feeling the fact that we can never communicate again, never meet again. I wished he was too fucked up to suffer, physically or emotionally.

I imagined myself announcing a shared obituary of ours. In it I was telling to people about us as a couple who were so happy together and were brave to try all crazy stuff in their life and lived their life to the fullest, the pure way they wanted to be. But that it finally had a too big cost, they failed in the end, one Dream was just too much, too too deep, too long and it destroyed their brains.

Anyhow,I felt me and him being in peace together, no arguments, nothing negative between us. Just I was extremely sad that all was over and we were not able to communicate, go home together. I would have loved to continue our life so much. I wished we could connect to each other again. But that wasn’t possible anymore. We were about to die to this hell. In one point I would have been happy to even have chance to die together, in connection to each others, but we were in different nightmares. I imagined announcing my deep wish that someone good would take care of cat and dog and give them a good rest of the life, and make them understand that we love them so much but can’t come home anymore, to pet them ever again. That felt so overwhelmingly sad.

I have always thought that if people are too desperate they can kill themselves, their physical bodies, and by doing so they get relief from all the pain, physical and emotional. They lose their life but that’s the worse that can happen. Just stop being. Stop understanding. Like sleeping and never waking up again. Like nothing ever happened. You could just let your body lay down and let it die. And you wouldn’t feel anything anymore. Ever.

Rest.

Peace.

Nothingness.

But now I realized that I had been too naive in that belief.

I had already accepted everything, the loss of everything…(That feeling was something I thought I would never need to live to experience.). Yes, I have suffered seeing all that and I understand I have nothing left. Can I go now? Can I just die? Can I just fall asleep, stop understanding what is going on?

I was so ready to die. I wished it so much. My heart was beating like crazy. This time, opposite to usual times when it happens while Dreaming, I wasn’t afraid of it. I thought if I got a heart attack this madness would be over faster. But when I tried to just rest and wait for the death to pick me…that voice came back again.

Yea, of course…it would have been too sweet, too easy. That moment I finally saw the whole extent of the trap, and what was it really all about. It wasn’t just to use us, benefit from us economically, no. That was just one of the cover stories. Under it laid the real meaning, the real sickness of this all.

This Dream was to drive people crazy.

That was the meaning. Simple as that.

For somebody’s pleasure.

Someone had created a new way to make people sink into a deeper Dream ever, marketing as a regular Dream. This deep one was to make people see the danger of Dreaming. Like saying: You wanted to get fucked up? Here you go! Take all the money’s worth!

That someone enjoyed creating Dreams which would shoot people into an endless madness. And we went into that trap! We thought Dreaming was for fun. Fun for us who do it. But now someone was having that fun instead of us. Looking from his monitors how we suffer, sneaking his voice into our heads, driving us crazy. While laughing his as off.

This hell would last until our bodies would finally collapse. But until that was a long time. I knew it now. Of course, the sickfuck who had made this all possible wants to maximize our pain, his pleasure.

And his biggest pleasure is to keep our awareness alive all the way until the end. So no pain wouldn’t go unnoticed, unfelt, unsuffered.

With no rest, making every second extremely unconfortable.

He had invented an evil masterpiece which makes people willingly destroy themselves extreme way.

First letting people have fun for a while, then suddenly change the whole shit upside down.

Closing all the doors back to reality. Forever. Making the people fight against the idea of inevitable destruction of their life, as long as they please and then see how they finally would accept it as the only option available.

Showing to them how their bodies would be permanently damaged, and their identity, all what they have learned to be, would be gone, and make them accept it, too.

And after that, dig even deeper.. Making people feel extreme emotional pain, suffering more than they ever could have imagined. By ripping them away from their beloved ones, cutting all the connections, forcing them to give all they love away, all that matters in their life away.

And feel it. Long time. Long time throughout.

Experience that extreme loss, have it as their reality in their minds. And after loosing all that, making them know that all they would be for the rest of their life was nothing but failures, losers, despised by everyone, finally forgotten by everyone, not helped by anyone, laying on the ground totally fucked up, shitting in their pants, just waiting the physics finally fail to take the pain away, as junkies dying in a ditch face down.

Making them know that that is the only way things would go.

 And then.

Giving them one option, a shortcut away from those horror visions which otherwise were inevitably waiting for them.

By promising that all would end quickly if they jumped out the window.

They could save themselves from more pain by killing themselves. Now!

Game over. Peace. Nothing.

So there I was approaching the window, slowly this time, I knew what I was doing, I wasn’t scared, my mind was calm. And even I am super scared of heights usually, I was totally ready to jump. It felt like an easy task, something people do on a daily basis.

But when I was looking down, part of me found it all so absurd! Something in me was resisting now. Something in me was suspicious. I wasn’t so sure anymore if the jumping was right. What if I understood it wrong. What if I destroy all, what if losing him, us, our life, was just a misunderstanding and I would jump to death for no reason! That would be horrible!

But then the voice which was talking to me, suggesting jumping, got me again, painted those horror visions into my mind again and I knew I needed to accomplish this task. To save both me and him. Cause that’s how I saw it clearly.

My jumping would end also his suffering, stop his limbo, where he most surely was, in his own endless hell. By jumping I could end it for both of us. I could reach the silence. Peaceful death to us.

We would lose all. But that we already knew. Instead, we could now get the sweet nothingness. 

When I was looking down, preparing to jump I suddenly remembered the stories I had heard about people who had jumped out the window while Dreaming. And all the speculations why did they do so.

Now I saw the real reason why!!

It was the nicest way, only shortcut out of the hellish limbo.

And it was done in peace.

Oh, for a moment I was so excited about this finding, to have a story to tell to people so they could increase the understanding the effects of Dreaming. ..But very soon I bitterly realised I would never be back to tell the story. Never. That tiny moment which I had forgotten our inevitable death and when I was able to think of  ’going back to our everyday life after the Dream’ ..and then remembering how things really were, depressed me so much. Why can’t we just go back to how everything was? Can this madness be over? This one time!!!

But no. There were no other ways to proceed than to jump. And I would be one more fucked up junkie in the newspapers, and people would wonder…what made her jump?