Our biggest need as human beings is to feel that we belong, that we are connected. Our biggest fear is to be left alone, being rejected. Being connected, having someone to share our life is our deep need from the tribal times. One didn’t survive alone, and it still remains in us.
When adults are struggling with their life, most often the root cause for the problems is found from the early childhood. From the times when something happened which created limiting beliefs about themselves. Beliefs that they are not worthy, not worthy of love or connection or belonging together with others, others which most often were their parents or other caretakers. Those beliefs create huge fears in children… A never ending battle with themselves trying to understand why others don’t like them.
‘What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? How should I change? Why don’t they love me? Why don’t they want to be with me? Why am I not enough? Why do they want to leave me alone?’
Alone.
I know, I was one of those kids. Scared all my childhood of being left alone. Because my dad, my hero, left. And my amazing loving grandmother died. After all that I was so terrified of losing my mom, as well. Cause even she didn’t seem to like me at all anymore, I didn’t want to be left alone. She was so absent, showing a zero interest in my feelings, likings and opinions. She was always in a bad mood towards me making me believe that it was me who caused her misery. She was in her own world, angry, teary, hurt, stressed, tensed, rejective, defensive. (Just maybe a year ago, when I tried so hard to understand and explain my mom’s behaviour to myself, I actually found a perfect, quite common, diagnosis to this: -I had ‘an emotionally neglectful mom’. Perfect match!) I tried so much, what ever I could imagine, to prevent her from going away. I was horrified. I was in constant stress caused by this fear.
My brother were very important to me, all all felt easier when he still was with me. Someone on my side. Someone with me. But then he changed too, became so angry, teary. Scary. He could all of the sudden just harshly exclude me from which ever play we had going on. He shouted at me that I had to leave, he shouted that what ever we shared before wasn’t mine anymore, I wasn’t part of anything related to him. He attacked me and shouted he will kill me. And I learn to fight. But what I mostly learned, I leaned to run, faster that him. That was my only safe place – being away. He broke a lot of our toys, he was out of his mind. Our connection got broken.
I was emotionally completely abandoned all my childhood after our connection broke. This was the moment when I started to be alone.
Just the latest years I have realised how terrible amount of sadness I have carried in me from this, and from some other moments later on in my life when I also were left alone, when I lost an important person.
I’m so grateful for the self development journey which me and my husband have been on latest years, cause during that time a big part of me have already healed. I have reached a feeling of inner balance that I have never felt before. But I believe that my inner child still is not 100% sure if she is safe or not, no matter how beautiful life I have nowadays. These things definitely die hard.
I found out about this underlying sadness in me during one of my Marshmallow Dreams about a year ago. First I was a bit confused about the sad content of my Dream as I nowadays have an amazing life without a reason to be sad.
But the Marshmallow Dreams go deeper, they find everything, if there is anything hiding, it will be revealed. Every Marshmallow Dream of mine have been a big meaningful experience to me. Sometimes the Dreams act as teachers. Sometimes they clear the direction in a crossroad. Sometimes they are a pure ruthless reflection of a mess I am.
And this Dream found my sadness. Even it was hiding very well. The feeling which got planted into me when I was a little child. This Dream revealed my deepest fear. I tell you about my dream:
It was a beautiful summer day. I was Dreaming in our little yellow tent in our garden. The bright sunlight through the tent was colouring the insides of the tent into even more magical and positive shades. I was laughing my ass off over something as it many times happens when I’m entering a Dream. I couldn’t stop the laugh-attack for a long while. Until finally I noticed I was actually crying!! The laughter had all of the sudden turned into a cry! It was very confusing moment cause I thought I was having huge fun! And even more confusing it was cause I considered myself very happy in my life at that moment. I almost felt a bit shamed. ‘How can I be here crying when my life is so beautiful? What’s wrong with me?’
This wonder totally quieted me down from the laugh attack. And I took it for a closer look right away in my mind. I laid down onto the big pillows in the tent and closed my eyes.
I let myself go through all the people I know, all the people I have met in my life. And I realised that compared to many, I have always been somehow melancholic. With the melancholy I mean some sort of ‘built-in sadness’, some how ‘unexplained’ sadness which is always there inside of me, not just because of some temporary hardship in life. But more like as if the happiness simply couldn’t stay alive in me, it would try, but then it would fail in getting rooted into me. Like happiness wouldn’t belong to me.
And I realised that I am not the only one like that. I have met a lot of melancholic people. It’s like some dreadful dark shadow hanging on the people like us. Always a little bit sadness in our eyes and in the atmosphere around us.
I have seen many small melancholic children, too. And thinking of that started to puzzle me the most during my Dream. I felt a need to figure out where does that sadness come from, go into those small children?
How deep the sadness can go?
Are the melancholic ones just people who happened to be born with a little less hope to this life from the very beginning?
But if so, what made their mind? What, already before they were born, made them lose their hope to this life.. So they would become those melancholic ones from the very beginning of their life? Those a bit weird ones who never settle down anywhere?
If you are born melancholic, how the fuck does it make sense? How can you know, already before you are born, that this won’t be easy, that this won’t end well? That this is not worth trying, worth caring, worth giving a shit?
Who the fuck is it that kills the hope of your unborn child?
If your unborn child has already lost the hope to this life, this world, how deep is the hopekiller????
Somewhere very deep, deeper than birth, the unborn already sees too much bad, too much sad, to much unfair -That it kills his hope.
But what is that??? What is in front of his face at that moment when the hope dies? What is THE HOPE KILLER VISION???
Because that vision is in response in all this melancholy.
And there is was…in front of my eyes…
The picture, the scariest picture one can see, which kills ones hope in life, is a picture of a person left alone.
The primal fear.
