In the real dark night of the soul
It’s always 3 a.m.
It’s always darkest before the dawn
It never dawned on me
At my weakest I’m pretending to be strong
Sometimes the demons are too hard to control.
In my darkest moment
Something takes me over, makes me turn a cold shoulder.
In my darkest moment
I need a revelation, divine illumination to come my way.
Just when I thought I was me
It just wasn’t me talkin’
And the last one that I’d ever wanna hurt
Stood right in my way
Hating is easy and loving takes real character
Love ain’t in fashion in this hard stone cold hearted world.
In my darkest moment
Something takes me over, makes me turn a cold shoulder.
In my darkest moment
I need a revelation, divine illumination to come my way.
-Hanoi Rocks-
I try to grab anything that is left from you.
You are forever gone but I get a little glimpses
of your presence when I listen to this song.
Even it’s extremely sad glimpses.
This song makes me sick,
it burns inside,
presses my chest in,
it ‘s hard to breath.
But I need to listen to this time to time,
take the risk of the deep pain filling me up.
Cause this song is the gateway to feel you.
To have you for a moment.
This song is an extreme sadness,
grief,
totally knowing that you are dead.
But pushing myself through the song, facing all these bitter facts once again,
is better than never feeling you were here at all.
Cause this pain tells that even you are gone now,
you at least once were here.
..The pain crashes all the hope you had…
You build back the hope…
Pleasure..
But again..A deep stabbing, to the nerve.
Nerve pain.
You had so much to feel good about..
But you lose is all, everything.
Your body aches from the sorrow.
The deepest feeling of not belonging anywhere.
You are not enough or not right-kind,
You don’t get the approval from anyone.
Then, you create a new goal,
so clear and honest and you can look up to yourself for it…
But again you lose the grip, all is gone, and you float into nothingness.
Into meaninglessness.
Nothing gives you anything.
Death is the only thing that resonates with you.
Nothing else is reachable…
Nothing else is safe.
A deep wound,
the pain in the chest when not belonging anywhere..
It repeats.
You are alone.
You like to be alone
but you would like to feel that you have something to give.
But you only have your panic from the distorted thoughts
that never find an actual meaningful order. Sense.
Quietness.
No one can see you the way you truly are.
You are alone and your breathing blocks..
You live in a cage that suffocates you.
It hurts more and more,
You don’t know your place,
no place to escape.
light..
smooth..
pleasant..
white..
euphoria..
perfection…..
-Did you find the real happiness
or did you die…
everything passes.
Your dream.. You almost reached it.
You almost could touch it.
Then you crash and the only thing you have is pain.
Even nothingness is not painless anymore.
Even Nothing hurts.
Chest squeezes in…
It’s nothingness that creates the pain.
You had so much.
And so much you therefore now lose.
Too much pain..
..What is too much…
Do you ever find it out?
You always just take more..
Ridiculous!
It hurts so much,
When all just slides away through your fingers.
Once again you did let yourself believe,
hope, and enjoy.
So the hurt hurts now even more.
Why, once again… Why hope doesn’t run out?
The next time is a new chance for better..
…Hahahahaa…
-The pain never ends.
It’s endless.
It hurts.
It’s always, always pain.
Always.
Feel it.
Always pain.
Feel it.
You can’t escape from it.
The cage squeezes you tight.
Acid fills up your veins.
7 years without my Double-Disaster-Twin. I miss you, little asshole.
If I could call to you and if you could answer we would have a hell of a chat until
our phones would overheat and finally pop!
I have so much to tell you and I bet so have you to me!
I’ll find the way to meet you again.
Just give me some time.
–
You know you always want to have the best, the best of everything.
But once you get the best you need to accept that if you lose it,
you also lose the best, the most important you have.
That means the pain of losing will also be over any other pain you can imagine.
But that doesn’t mean you would start regretting you ever had the best.
You don’t regret that you once felt so much good.. No.
It was anyway, no matter what, worth it, worth all the pain.
You never forget.
Choose whether it’s your curse or blessing.
I never forget you.
Those songs..
They start suffocating me from the very first note…
Those songs cramp my chest, like nothing else ever.
Inconsolable pain.
But I don’t want to ‘get over them’. I don’t want to neutralize myself to them.
Because..then they wouldn’t cause me this pain.
And this pain is the only thing that makes me feel your past presence
– so vividly.
And for a moment I know that you once were real.
Over and over again I’m ready to take the pain.
I would never let you go.