I can’t stress enough how important sleeping is for holistic well-being. I think you can go through quite a lot more in your life if you just get enough natural sleep.
I and my husband went through a period that showed how severe sleep deprivation can really push a person to the edge. That was insane. I never ever want to experience it again.
It was a time when I moved together with my husband, but I still worked far away in another city. I flew back and forth every week trying to be away from home for as short a time as possible (I tell you later in another post about why it was so very important.) And because of that, I made a crazy schedule for myself taking all the extra hours I needed from my sleeping time. Eventually, I started to be like a zombie… Top of all my husband started to snore that time which made my already short sleeping time very difficult. Basically, I didn’t sleep anymore at all. Finally, when I was totally wrecked I went to see my doctor who gave me some sleeping pills…
That was the worst mistake…
Zopiclone…Side-effects…dizziness, irregular heartbeat, headache, severe drowsiness, loss of memory…changes in vision, confusion, depression, unreal feeling in yourself, irritability, or other behavioural changes…
Who might have given permission to sell this shit?
Well, that time I didn’t even read the list of the side effects, I trusted the doctor and I just wanted to sleep.
Later when I already had become the embodiment of the long list of side effects I took a close look at them. That moment was both good and bad. Bad cause I was so fucking angry with getting so many troubles from the pills which were supposed to help me. And of course, my doctor didn’t warn me about the side effects at all…while me being too zombie to be able to distrust him.
What was good about reading about the side effects was that I found out I might not have got crazy after all! It was just the pills!
-Do I recover? I asked my friend who works in a mental hospital. Cause due to the slightly unbalanced mental state I was in, I was quite neurotic over possible permanent brain damage or something, haha. But luckily she convinced me that I only would need some time and I would then be myself again. But I remember she cursed that medicine saying it really causes a lot of problems among users with hard withdrawal symptoms when people try to get rid of that shit.
I have consumed substances they say one should stay away from, and I have done purchases on the street. But I have never, ever been given anything so damaging that this drug from my doctor. Nothing has fucked me up like that.
I wrote down the following thoughts during the time I used zopiclone for my sleeping problems and I didn’t recognise myself anymore, I was separating from myself. It was a scary period of my life:
“I sometimes hear, especially guys, using the word ‘crazy’ when they describe how badass and daring someone is… ‘He’s a crazy guy!’ They say when someone does something everyone would love to do, too, if they had the balls for it.
Somehow I just don’t get why being ‘crazy’ would be anything worthy of bragging about. Being crazy… to lose one’s mind. ‘Craziness’ might be cool, as long as you feel you have control of it. The control of your mind.
But when you start losing control…When you go one step too far -panic starts.
The moment when you realize that you can’t press the pause, stop, or reverse.
Take a deep breath and observe. Calm your panic down by trying to find any smallest sign telling you are still here, that you are still the protagonist of your own life, not just a bystander.
..Too long from the latest sign.. Your heart beats fast. It can’t be me!!
It’s an interesting feeling. You are you and you are here. But you are also seeing yourself doing things there in the distance, living your life. Your life. But you are not there. But you give that person all the orders, nothing happens without you deciding so. It’s you. But you are not there. You are here. And you are far away. You keep on giving orders to yourself from the distance, without understanding why, but since all looks familiar you keep going and cause you are too terrified to stop.
Cause you haven’t lost hope. Should you?
Wait, wait…wait..
..Until you finally feel a tiny, fast-passing glimpse of the presence. That’s always a marvellous feeling. You made it, once again! You are getting back. Your own flesh and your own mind are one again.
And you can put the knife down. Luckily you didn’t do it. You could have never un-stab yourself, never un-impale your heart.
You don’t want to be crazy, I swear. It’s only cool to play with the madness as long as it doesn’t start playing with you.”
