I just found some old notes which I have written some years ago. I had no idea I had written them, but I’m so excited about the finding cause it actually shows a huge progress in my self development!
I wish I had more documents from the time before, or around the starting time of the healing journey I have gone through with my husband latest years. But I am very happy that I at least have this one! Maybe I find more later.
I let you read the old notes soon. I just want to say something first.
Those notes are about hate and revenge.
And why it was so fascinating to find them is that I had already forgotten how much I used to hate. I have changed so much.
I feel so calm nowadays. Balanced with myself. I feel easy, no tension. I don’t hate anyone.
Hate. That was the fuel of my inner toxic fire.
And I had a lot of it.
It helped me. That’s how it felt. Helped to live this life. To tolerate all I needed to deal with.
Now, looking back, reading my old notes, I feel…somehow so sorry that the ‘earlier-version-of-me’ needed to live her life in that unhealthy pressure.
I don’t hate anymore.
This world is not any better place than what it was before. It’s even much worse. So how did I manage to give up hate then?
I have learned to understand.
It doesn’t make me pussy, even according to my old text I obviously were worried about that happening if I would give up my hatred.
Actually giving it up made me stronger than ever before.
I know it now, but I would have never believed in it before going through some years of serious inner work.
Earlier in my life I was called: ‘The angry one’, ‘Angry Finn’, ‘Boiling Blood’…just to name a few. Haha, all that actually sounds so-not-like-me that it is fun to even think about all this! How much I have changed.
Here are the notes:
‘Saint Anger
I want to write about something that I never thought I would.
I have started to doubt some of my own very long-lived beliefs, something that is a big part of who I have learned to be.
Anger and revenge.
I feel something quite big might be changing in me. I want to write about how things are right now, then do more inner research about my feelings and see where this takes me. Maybe I can read this story later out of curiosity to see the possible change. Maybe I share this with some friends or even publish this. Maybe this can help someone who has a burning feeling of anger, a compelling need for revenge, someone who feels hurt, so much so that it’s poisoning their mind.
One more reason why I want to write about this, is that this is just a good opportunity to bring back to life my habit of writing. I really would love to get it back to my daily life. Cause it has always been the best way out of anything that has hurt me, bothered me, puzzled me. The best way to clear up my mind.
It’s easy for me to understand why I learned to hate, and why I learned to think that revenge is one of the basic tools one needs in life. I learned that all in my family when I was a kid. So much anger, life-long hatred, sneaky repression, never-forgiving and bitterness that I feel sick just by thinking of it now.
I remember my grandfather (my mom’s father) being very angry man. Very, very surely he took his revenge on anyone who dared to cause him a feeling of him being treated disrespectfully. He didn’t hide his anger. He didn’t care about how his behaviour looked like. As long as he got his revenge. He was in rage. No one was allowed to fool him. And if someone anyway did so, he never forgot it. Never. He was so ready to keep his anger towards people for the lifetime. And he wanted to have his revenge. Before that he couldn’t rest.
He wasn’t the only one. I think there is something terribly wrong in many, especially men, of that side of the family, been for many generations. They are sick! They are horrible people! As if it were in genes, only effecting male, making them monsters.
Not only emotional violence done towards others around them. But horrible physical violence towards innocent people, and animals, too. In the name of ‘a justified’ revenge or ‘teaching’! The monsters give ‘justified’ lessons to other people, and animals seemingly thinking:
‘They haven’t understood their own stupidity and that how things should be done right. And therefore they are allowed to be punished. They have to be taught with pain.. So that they learn.‘
I recognised already in my early years that I too had gotten a part of that burn, a high propensity to get angry and seek for revenge and never forget. But what I did for a long time was that I considered it as very valuable feature in me. And because of it I hadn’t let anyone treat me disrespectfully. Or if someone had anyway done so, I had clearly shown how little I could respect those people any longer. I had taken my revenge in plenty of things, felt great as ‘the justice got served’.
That was the way I learned to survive, that’s the way I learned things got done right, solved. And I felt good and I respected myself for the way I acted. Any idiot who was impolite to me, or did anything what I felt I didn’t deserve.. I was ready to do a lot to get revenge to show my scorn towards them.
That was me. I didn’t see any problem in it. I didn’t see outside the box I was in.
Then later on something changed in me and I learned to love. I noticed that actually I didn’t manage to take my revenge if the one who hurt me was a person I loved. I rather took a bad feeling, rude behaviour towards me, horrible experiences from my beloved ones rather than spitted all the shit back at them. I felt it was less pain to suffer by myself than see a person I love suffering.
Could sound beautiful. But In the long run I noticed it ruined me anyway. The ability to love, that took down my defences. I had started to take too much shit from my beloved ones. It destroyed me and turned me into an empty shell, only a pale shadow left from a person I was before. I didn’t have my own will, didn’t have my passion to be me. I was just a slave. Without a soul. I remember one nightmare I had that time when I realised the trap I was in. In that nightmare, freaky looking monkeys were chasing me, all over me. I knew they were Soul Monkeys. They chased me in order to get to look straight into my eyes. If they could they would take my soul, suck away all what represented me in me. That nightmare was so descriptive dream about my fears during that era of my life.
After I recovered enough from that shit to understand how horribly wrong all had gone, I promised to myself never letting myself into such deep miserable trap again. I would never let anybody do anything bad to me without getting my revenge. I would not look through my fingers any shit ever again. I promised that if I ever let anyone close into my life, I would leave them right away, if they were disrespectful towards me. No matter if I would love someone, the love towards myself would now on always come before them.
So there I had a clear strategy how to act from then on. The only right way to handle idiots. And not only in my personal life, but anywhere in life. And I really kept this promise to myself. It wasn’t easy first but I knew I needed to be cold, vindictive, for my own good. That was the only way to live life without getting hurt. Eventually I manage to absorb the cold way of living again. I restored my pride in my self and felt free and powerful again.
That was many years ago.
Yesterday, first time in my life I really stopped thinking of all this in a different way. The first time in my life I noticed that I had doubts about the importance of being so fucking angry and getting revenge. A tiny misbelief towards this is born in me.
It’s because nowadays I am married to an amazing man with a huge genuine good heart, and he would have all the reasons in the world to seek for revenge and hate if he felt that would be the way to go.
He has taught me a lot with his own behaviour. He seems to have a totally different approach to anger and revenge. And even though it was first impossible to me to see this his way, I have now little by little experienced many interesting ‘Yea, actually, it makes sense.’ -moments when he has explained his point of view. It’s difficult to explain this yet, but somehow it seems it could be possible to life this life without my precious tool box of hate, revenge, bitterness and I-will-never-forgive-neither-forget! All the valuable tools I have gotten from my family, hahaha!!
So as we have now started intensionally heal ourselves, to let go of all that limits us in our past, I am ready to look deeper into this thing as well, in order to become the better version of myself. I give it a chance that what have been me for so long time, is not me, not what I want to be anymore.
What makes it possible to me to think of throwing away my old bitter sweet tools is that I have lately realised that we are actually not doomed to be forever same us, the ruined versions which the past has shaped out of us. We can change. All our life long we can develop, heal, learn, find new ways to do things, drop from our belief system things which don’t serve us anymore. Even if they were very important part of us in the past.
When this fact hit my consciousness first time, I have to say I felt an extreme freedom and relief like never before, and I found myself wondering if life really can be so amazing and gracious that we can become something totally else than what we were before, shake all the heavy load of the past off our shoulders, stop it choking us and start fresh?
And as I found myself wondering all that, I right away also realised that ‘the free, powerful, determined and tough earlier-version-of-me’ were actually nothing but damaged, deeply given-up woman, who had just lived every day as her last, with no meaning, no goals, no giving any real value for herself, -for a very long time already. Cause I thought it’s not possible to feel happy. So I was in my weird way just tolerating it, in lack of better ideas.
But now I know I can change. I can choose. I can be happy.
That earlier version of me really believed that she needs the anger, the revenge and the distance to people. She really fully believed that if she doesn’t get her revenge, punish every wrongdoers, and show her anger, the wrongdoers would think that she is weak and therefore they would repeat the same behaviour, fuck her up even more, they would never learn to stop.
That’s what I learned from the closest people in my life when I was a kid and growing up.
And I also learned from them that different was equal to wrong, something which needed to be changed. It didn’t mean beautiful uniqueness, or being interesting personality. It didn’t mean freedom of choice. There was no choice if you wanted to belong. Thinking out of the box was curse. You needed to stay in the box in order to be accepted.
I also learned that things can be done two ways, perfectly or not good enough.
And at school there were only highest scores for the good ones and the rest was for the stupid losers who deserved humiliation or other sort of punishment. I’m thinking of all the little kids who are only expected when they hit the highest score. But not all can manage to do it, maybe not even close to that. When only the perfect is satisfying enough for the teachers and the caretakers at home, there is a lot of disappointment towards these little kids. Judgement from the adults.
And as the kids learn that only the illusion of perfection is acceptable, they will never be able to rest and enjoy their life. They will forever force themselves to reach the skies. Consciously or unconsciously. And when they don’t get there, they ‘know’ that all the people in their life are forever unsatisfied with them. These poor innocent people feel they never are good enough to anybody. Thinking ‘Something is always wrong in me, I can’t get it what is it, but I keep on trying to change myself somehow, I try everything, maybe one day I finally spot the right reason why people don’t want me, why they don’t accept me as I am. And then finally I would be worthy of love.’
Been there done that.
And realising it now that all my life, those authority figures who have defined to me what is right and what is wrong have been the most unbalanced, the most damaged, the least self actualised human beings I have met in my entire life. High five to that!! Pfffff….
Well, that’s actually the spirit globally, as well. When disturbed nuts are ruling the world, what could go wrong! Hahaha!
Well well… I have decided now to make some more research about my thoughts regarding everything I wrote above, give space in my head for some healthier solutions to survive this life instead of keeping those ridiculous tools I have carried with me already for too long.
I will report the progress one day and let’s see where we are then!’
Ok, those were the old notes. I still don’t accept wrongdoings. But instead of hating people, or willing to attack, the thought which raises in my mind is how could I the best way help these people so they wouldn’t be lost anymore.
That they could also let go of hate, pain, fear. Cause I know now hate is expression of fear. Painful fear.
When that fear is gone, one can replace it with freedom. Freedom of mind. Peace of mind. Strength. Calmness. Deep enjoyment and excitement of existence.
