A long time back when I was planning to kill myself I wanted to live the rest of my life the way that I wouldn’t have anyone missing me when I go. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. That was my life purpose, to enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest and then go, but without creating any bonds with anyone, not having a family, not staying anywhere too long, not being important to anyone. I wanted to be a good person to others but not truly connect to anyone.
Now, even though a long time has passed and I have decided to stay and I know how much I long for connection nowadays, it seems as if a part of me hasn’t managed to let go of my old life purpose. I guess I learned it too well.
It’s very difficult to me to create any connection with anyone. No matter how good a person I believe I am, no one wants to call me, be with me. I’m not special to anyone. I’m not important to anyone. Just like I, a long time ago, wanted.
Now I could kill myself, and no one wouldn’t even notice. Shouldn’t I be now happy about this achievement? This is what I wanted!
Back then, I just didn’t know how much it would hurt to BE the one who is special to no one.
All those years, I wanted to protect others from pain and that’s why I wanted to have no one who loves me when I leave.
But I didn’t know that it hurts so fucking much to be loved by no one, to leave when no one even notices. I wonder how long time I would lay here dead before anyone would come across thinking where I am? I believe it would be quite a long time. It feels so sad.
If I had known this back then, I would have chosen to be selfish and just kill myself with all those people around loving me. I swear I would have done it.
