Who are we? And what makes us who we are? Can we even ever answer to this question?
If I ask you to describe who you are, what kind of person. Do you give me a list of adjectives describing your character, do you tell me what do you work with, what do you spend your spare time with, what do you like, what do you dislike, what are you good at and what do you suck at? Also, do you tell me how you look like as it’s also a big part of you. What are your fears? What do you want to achieve in life? What kind of oaths have you taken…
Good luck! Take it, you need it!
It’s required everywhere to describe who we are, to prove who you are. In job interviews, schools, when you meet new people. People want to know if you are the one they need for the job, would that kind of career fit to you, would you manage to do that, would you be the amazing missing link to complete their team, are you skilled enough, smart enough, strong enough, committed enough, funny enough, social enough, handsome or beautiful enough, cool enough… And then afterwards..maybe they turned their back to you, cause they got so convinced that you just aren’t that kind of person they need. You are not enough something. Period. And you will never try again cause you know now that you are not right kind of person!
And the vicious circle is ready.
Have you ever doubt your ability to do something? Have you ever doubt your chances to reach your dreams? Have you ever found yourself thinking you are not enough? I’m quite sure you have. But did you go further to figure out why did you think so?
Did you by any chance think you’re just not that kind of person? Period?
I have done it too. All my past. Many times I have needed to prove what kind of person I am, even I disliked to do so. But many times I have also done it cause I have wanted to do so; I have wanted to show it so clearly who I am, what I am, and absolutely especially what I’m NOT! I have shown it with my way of living, with my clothing, with the music I listen to, with the things I do, with the things I don’t do, with the people I choose to hang out with and even more clearly -with the absence of a social life -Cause I have wanted to show clearly the one of my main characters, which I have thought describes me the most – An unsocial, introverted, people-disliker.
Hah.
I needed to walk quite a long way until I found out this was bullshit.
And I can bet I’m not the only one who has a lot bullshit in them just waiting to get proven wrong. I just think people don’t usually go to find the roots of their feelings and opinions. They are so damn sure there’s nothing to doubt about. ‘Cause that’s just how they are’!
I found the roots of ‘me being an unsocial, introverted, people-disliker’ one evening after I had an interesting conversation with my client. As always with people, even I find her very interesting person, kind of ‘same type of person as I am’, I had never anyway talked with her anything personal before. Because ‘I’m not that kind of person’! I always keep the distance. I don’t like people!
But that evening me and her broke the code, by somehow finding the courage to drop defences for a second.
Two strong beautiful women. And so hurt, so alert, terrified of losing, so scared of being rejected for who they are.
I talked for a long while. And when I finally I left from work, I was so full of amazing energy, I felt so good. I felt that everything in life is available to me. I felt as if something soooooooo heavy had got taken from my chest. We had ended up talking about our life, and how our past and fears have twisted the way we see life.. And we found so many similarities. And I have to say I haven’t felt this feeling too many times in my life. This feeling of being on the same side with someone. I was literally filled with tons of warm relieving liberating energy.
I ran home to my beloved husband telling how amazing, exciting life is!!! He knows my struggles with my past, how difficult it is for me to trust, and no one could have been happier seeing me excited about life, excited about the future, than he was that moment.
That evening I found out, that I actually love being with people. I love to be social. I get so much good energy from talking with people, share opinions. I can teach and help others and I can understand others feelings. Others can do the same to me back. I love when the defence is down. It’s freedom.
I realised that the myth of me being ‘an unsocial people-disliker’ was just a defence mechanism created a very long time ago. When I was a kid, I was constantly told by my mom that I should be something different than what I was, that I should change. I was asked repeatedly why can’t I be like my brother? Why can’t I be something else than what I am? Why can’t I do anything easy way? And I was being rejected cause I didn’t fit to her preferences of a perfect daughter (=to make her look like a perfect mom, to an easy kid). I was titled in the family to be the weirdo one. And in the course of time I just adjusted my mind to it. To be a weirdo. I learned to love it, praise it, be so proud of it, live to the fullest according to it!
And it became me so much so that for a very long time I really thought I was living my life exactly as I wanted to. Before I took a better look at it. And I found a lot of surprises.
This thing of me actually wanting to be social was one of them. I realised that the only reason I avoid people is that I’m scared of rejection. It was kind of heartbreaking to realise this. To realise that actually I was still carrying a burden on my shoulders from my childhood. Even I thought I was so free. How the fuck didn’t I manage to see this before. Well, a lot has happened lately, I have learned a lot about myself. This was probably the first time I was open enough to see this.
I thought I really dislike people. Even since my early teenage years I have separated myself from other people cause I thought I wouldn’t enjoy their company, and cause the others wouldn’t be worthy of mine. But no, when a big hurt is created in a mind of a small child, it gets locked in and will be there ruling the mind years after years, endlessly, if the person doesn’t grow enough self awareness. I was, all these years just scared shitless of experiencing my biggest fear -being rejected, being left alone once again, as I was as a child. And this all makes sense now: If I never let anyone near me, if I never ask anyone to accept me, I can never put myself on risk of being rejected. Like the Phantom of the Opera (Hah, how ironic..I love the movie of Dario Argento so much..It has been easy to feel companionship with the protagonist.) He lives in his underground chambers, knowing he doesn’t deserve to belong to the real world.
How many melancholic poems have I written since I was a teenager, about how I know I don’t belong to this world, how I was born to a wrong world, how I don’t fit in, and that how I therefore have to go to a place called Somewhere Else, -Anywhere Else.
I learned that role well. So well that I almost didn’t find out that it was just a role I needed to shake off me. I gladly do it now.
How many roles are you playing at the moment? Time to shake them off maybe? At least I suggest to be aware of the fact you most surely have some.
Or else you might miss out a lot. I mean A LOT!
I also suggest to not squeeze yourself into too small box by defining yourself with permanent descriptions.
(I learned this in my Dreams. It was a mix of Sour Apple and Honey Fudge Dreams. Ever until that Dream I always struggled with a lot of fears. I was scared of the future many ways. Cause I was still just practising with the thought of staying here. That idea was that time more like just a conscious forced truth which I promised myself to live for, not an unconscious truth yet, I would say.)
I saw that I had permanently defined who I am. And that fact had jailed me, created all those fears. Often times I found myself wondering in panic how the hell could I ever deal with everything that future brings along cause I am who I am! I felt that I’m not a person suitable for the future, that I belong here, that I wasn’t meant to be here for long! I couldn’t cope with the future cause I thought I permanently was this and that, and I can’t this and that, and many other this and thats.
It’s pretty obvious, that carrying such thoughts can freak out anybody.
So I’m very relieved that the deeper truth revealed to me.
I am, as any other human being is, Ever Changing. Definition of us is simple as that. We change all the time. And that’s natural and that’s a positive thing.
It’s not good to have any characterising definitions stuck to us for too long time as it also would mean that if we don’t let anything go, we can’t get anything new replacing it. That way we could not improve ourselves, we could not learn more, we could not experience more, we would need to stop exploring.
But when you see the change as a positive thing, you can let the fear of losing go. There’s nothing in you which you could lose and by doing so stop being you.
I see it how many people are stuck in their permanent definitions of themselves. It stops them growing, it stops them reaching their dreams. Because they are so scared, cause they think the way they are NOW is the only way to be them!
Think about it, if you haven’t reached something you want. Isn’t it better that you improve yourself, learn new skills, drop some roles? And let the misbelief towards your own abilities go, and then just reach your dreams?
I suggest you to start using the change as your benefit. Stop being afraid of it. It doesn’t kill you. Stagnation much more likely does. Feel the relief that you can let the earlier you go and improve yourself. Every new version of you, after every change, is a more advance version of pure real you. You don’t become anything ‘less you’! As you go forward in your life you just get more and more advanced as you have all the new knowledge and experiences to make your life more exciting and open, and more possibilities are available to you.
I love my life. I have experienced a lot, and I explore more exciting things every day. Realising all this I told you about now changed my life so much. It saves me from wasting my life in blindness, deafness, numbness, boredom, vacuity.
