Writing.. it has a special meaning to me. I could easily say it has saved my life many times. Even though, that time it did I didn’t put any effort to make my life longer, opposite to that.. so maybe better to say writing spared my sanity when life didn’t make any sense.
I felt totally suffocated from a very early age. In our family feelings were not allowed to show. My mom was a master teacher of that method. So, no one was listening, no one was showing their real mood, no one was talking about their feelings, simple as that. Except my mom who obviously was allowed to show her dissatisfaction with everything….But that didn’t count..I guess.
Learning to block all the feelings came little by little. I still remember the time before that, when I naturally went to my mom to talk about my feelings, my opinions, ideas, everything. But in some point I stopped turning to my mom as it just made me feel so bad. Cause my mom didn’t want to listen to me. Simple as that. She didn’t seem to like anything I said. She didn’t seem to be interested in me. All what I said seemed to be wrong, making mom annoyed, unsatisfied. And I didn’t understand why. Why did she always cut me short and forbid me to talk out my ideas and thoughts. Why couldn’t we talk about anything? No one explained anything. Nothing made sense! I closed up.
So I’m glad that I found writing. For a long time it was the only way to express myself, to explain myself, to be me.
I wrote a lot, about everything, my deepest thoughts, purest me. Writing became the only interesting thing in my life. Only one I could open up to, as the problems with the communication in the family spread also outside. I didn’t tell about my feelings to anyone. It was totally impossible to me to open up. I was completely trapped inside my own head.
And that lack of connection with people, anyone, the total mental and emotional isolation, it didn’t do good. When ever I had something on my chest..questions about life, bad feeling about something, confusion about meaning of life.. anything..I just couldn’t ask anyone..I didn’t dare. I needed someone to understand me. Someone to say all is fine and that I’m safe, nothing is wrong with me and that the future has a beautiful meaning. But no.
That all packed up into me. I felt constantly extremely unbearably bad, unbearably uncomfortable with myself, with life, with everyone, everything. Life didn’t seem to be a fair place to be. In some point I made a decision to end my life in the age 24 if it wouldn’t naturally happen before that.
Actually that decision finally made me feel positive. The death was my salvation from the huge scam called life, light in the end of the tunnel waiting for me lovingly. That become my biggest dream. I decided to handle the life, alone, not giving a shit about anyone, take all possible out of life during the last years and then sign out. I was in full peace with the decision. It felt so good. I felt so powerful.
Writing got a new meaning. I wanted to write down every single thought and feeling I had before I would go. It was already clear to me that no one ever would understand me. Long time it had hurt me so much. But along my big decision I started to look at life and other people in totally different way. The hurt turned into anger, and very soon into pity towards everyone who were so blind to see life the way it had opened up to me. Sweet ignorance. Fucking idiots! And they all had tried to put me down for so long?? I looked down on most of the people, the blind brainless herd.
I was in deep peace with myself. In full respect to myself. I knew it was me who were on the right path, I had nothing to be shamed on, nothing to say sorry about. So I wanted to write, tell about my thoughts. My truth. My writings were to be my suicide note. As no one wanted to understand me while I was alive, if someone would feel any interest to understand me afterwards, here it would be, here was the truth. This is the explanation to everything. Fuck you all, anyway!
That’s why I wrote that time. Well, time passed, a lot happened and here I still am, taking some overtime a long time later. A lot has happened, obviously. A lot of shit, a lot of great stuff, a lot. And now it’s getting better all the time.
Writing has taken a new meaning again. This time I don’t want to talk from my grave. I want my blog to be a way to be connected, a start for fascinating conversations with people who share the same interests with me. I still haven’t found plenty of those people yet, but luckily I have felt improvement in this lately. I have become aware of more people who I could imagine enjoying to create something very interesting together.
That feels so good. I am first time truly excited about life. And I can’t wait to explore more and more. ‘Future’ is still a bit weird concept to me but I practise every day more to deal with it. For so long time it wasn’t on my to-do list.
But now I have taken the challenge to learn to handle it.
Few years ago I met my husband. That changed so much. Without the connection we have created I wouldn’t be here planning my future. I would be somewhere else, doing something in-the-end-meaningless, still chasing the meaning of life, real joy of life, peace of mind, -with no success.
I’m so grateful to share my life with him.
He created hope in me. Hope which means to me believing in life. That life has a point. And that we have full freedom and endless amount of possibilities to improve our life and reach all our dreams. And being able to do so fills up our need to explore. And that make us so excited, cause you can a n y t h i n g . And knowing that you never get bored.
That’s enough.
I thought a long time that many traumas in my past would follow me to the end of my life. Crippling me. I didn’t believe I could ever overcome them. But now I know it’s all about exploring more. Learning more about human mind, and do the change we need. I have started amazing transformation journey together with my husband in order to create the best version of ourselves. The version what we deserve to be. We don’t need to be permanently broken even we have gone through a lot of shit. We can have happy exciting fulfilling life -and we’ll get it! This feels very good, and very new to me.
What is also very new to me is that since latest years I have started to feel urge to also help other people who deserve to get better life.
Earlier I just felt extremely deep pain because of the unfairness on this planet in every aspect. And I was freezed in front of it all. I wasn’t able to help, not even interested in it. As I just wanted to escape from the pain. To die before it hurts too much. Cause earlier my doubtless belief was that the pain in life was unavoidable, and ever increasing.. increasing.. Increasing.. And you just needed to know when is the right moment to jump off.
So finally during the latest years I have realised that we can do a lot, we can effect to our life a lot. It doesn’t just throw us around against our will. And as I have started to feel more comfortable to stay here, I have found the will to help others to enjoy this journey, too. And make the change as I know now it’s possible. I am able to do it. And I am able to help others. I will be good at it. And I really want to do it. And the thought fills me with a huge amount of warm good feelings. That’s completely new to me.
I am not escaping anymore. I feel calm and super excited. Cause I know I can.
I want to see where this all takes us, what do we become. And I want to write about it.
